The Rules
by Reina-183
Summary: AU.KuroFai. Left to babysit three brats, Kurogane decides on four simple rules to keep his household from falling into chaos. However, his new idiot neighbor can't even seem to follow a single one. What's a meantempered Kurorin to do?
1. The Rules

"I…" Kurogane growled out threateningly, his face nearly as red as his eyes "am NOT a babysitter."

Souma grinned at her red-faced neighbor--the type of grin a squirrel sends the predatory dog hunting it when it's safely up a tree, pushing the three children in front of her into his house like a sacrifice to the God of Destruction.

"You have no idea how important this trip is for my job," the woman replied anxiously, backing away slowly. "I already called Sakura and Syaoran's parents, and Tomoyo was actually the one who recommended you—" said girl smiled sweetly, as if she were somehow innocent in all of this. Kurogane glared at her with concealed fondness. The girl thought he didn't like her and she clung to him like a vine to a tree. If she knew he actually found her a tiny bit bearable he couldn't imagine the ramifications.

"I even called your boss and he agreed that all those holidays you never took off could just be rolled into one long vacation! So that's that, I guess," and before the disgruntled man could protest, Souma raced outside to where her comrade-in-arms, Ryuu, had already started up the car.

The stupid woman knew him too well.

Kurogane raised an eyebrow at the three kids standing in his entry way, luggage packed neatly behind them: Two girls, Tomoyo (the bane of his existence) and Sakura (who by association was also the bane of his existence), and one boy who looked rather abashed.

"'That's that,'" Kurogane mocked, standing aside to allow the children into his house. It was a modest two-story his employer, intolerable woman that she was, had forced him to buy. Honestly, he had been fine in his old, comfortable apartment, but when he protested (it had taken Yuuko's other two employees and several concerned passerby to keep him from lunging at the woman) she had only winked and mentioned that a cramped apartment wasn't the ideal place in which to build a family. And of course, the house she had chosen was right next door to an old, family friend's daughter, none other than Tomoyo.

Then, barely a month later he had gotten a call at 6 AM from a pleading Souma, and despite his vehement refusal that cracked the plactic casing on his phone, the kids had been dropped off at 4 PM sharp. She had even made some inane arrangement with his crazy boss that left him on a forced vacation for the duration of the brats' stay.

Kurogane growled. Unlike some people, he actually liked his job, as much as one could when working around _that _woman, and there was a reason he had never taken a vacation, besides the fact that he was sure the Witch would demand some sort of payment for her 'generosity.'

"Thank you, Mr. Kurogane, for taking us in on such short notice," Sakura dropped into a clumsy curtsy and Syaoran nodded nervously. Tomoyo on the other hand…

Kurogane caught the stray brat by the shoulder before she managed to semi-permanently attach herself to his leg.

"Ohohohohoho Kurogane, we are going to have so much fun staying her with you for the entire winter break!" Her eyes gleamed with a mischief that Kurogane, as her next door neighbor, had experienced time and time again. Sometimes those eyes appeared in his nightmares. Sure, she could be a sweet kid, but around Kurogane she had always been controlling and mischievous. With a barely collected calm he managed to ignore the child and focus on the other two intruders.

"Brats," he addressed all three in unison. "I have four rules in this house."

It was too late to have any hope that Tomoyo would listen, but he had to intimidate the other two kids into obedience before they turned into Tomoyo clones and ravaged his house.

"Number 1: Do not touch anything sharp, pointy, or hazardous looking."

He glared at Tomoyo, who smiled innocently and politely.

"Number 2: There will be no drinking, sex, or any combination of the two."

He turned his glare to Syaoran, who blushed slightly.

"Number 3: There will be no animals allowed in the house."

He attempted to glare at Sakura, but when met with her sweet, green gaze, his glare faltered and died.

"And finally, under no circumstances will you address me by anything other than my given name, no matter how appropriate you think it is."

"Yes Kurogane," the children answered in unison.

He grunted and rolled his eyes. "You two," he gestured to the chatty girls, "second door to the right."

Tomoyo nodded and bowed slightly. She then took Sakura by the hand, semi-dragging the befuddled girl up to their temporary room to no doubt discuss hair and clothes and other 'girl stuff' that was as foreign to Kurogane as his bosses lingerie wardrobe, meaning that it wasn't something with which he was too familiar, but it was also something with which he had had far too much experience for any sane man.

"First room to the right," he told Syaoran. "The bathroom is at the end of the hall. The room on the left is mine. Go near it for anything other than an absolute emergency and risk a loss of limbs."

The boy nodded wordlessly and began his struggle to carry his, Tomoyo's, and Sakura's bags up the stairs. The sight might have been endearing to a tender hearted fool who believed in trivial nonsense such as 'chivalry' and 'gentlemanliness,' but Kurogane, who had exactly one poetic bone in his body, which, incidentally, had been broken several times over the course of his college career as a kendo champion, merely groaned.

The stupid kid would probably end up falling, and his blood would stain the carpet. Blood stains were impossible to get out, so he would have to replace the whole damn thing.

"Oi, you're going to fall and crack your head open if you try and lug all that up the stairs at once." Before the teenager could protest, Kurogane grabbed Tomoyo's bulging bag and Syaoran's much lighter one.

"Thank you," Syaoran smiled, and Kurogane diverted his eyes, trying to will the blood from his face. At least the brat was polite.

Still, it was going to be Hell keeping three teenagers in his house for almost a month. When Souma got back from her 'business trip' he would skin her alive.

…………

"I am so sorry Kurogane! All this is my fault!"

_Ding dong…_

Kurogane gripped his broom a little more tightly to resist the unbelievable urge to yell at Sakura.

_Ding dong…_

Attempting to wipe the ash into a pile was difficult enough as the stuff had managed to insert itself in every conceivable space, and the princess's apologies were not speeding up the process.

_Dingdong dingdong…_

Disgruntled, Kurogane wearily paused in his quest to clean the kitchen. Earlier that night, Tomoyo and Sakura had taken it upon themselves to cook Kurogane dinner. They had taken out many sensible looking ingredients and were talking both rapidly and assuredly, so Kurogane had been given a false sense of confidence in their culinary skills.

_Ding dong…_

Three pans, two fires, one frazzled Syaoran, and one slightly crispy Kurogane later, they had decided that ordering in pizza was a perfectly acceptable solution. A perfect solution indeed, even considering Kurogane's slight lactose intolerance and dislike of the fatty, oily lard that clung to such food.

_Ding dong…_

Syaoran, who had inhaled a great deal of smoke when he had bravely pulled Sakura and Tomoyo away from the second fire's flames, had retired to his room. Tomoyo was nowhere to be seen, which, while it was convenient at the moment, would no doubt come to plague Kurogane in the coming hours. Even worst, it had been an hour and a half, and the pizza still hadn't arrived.

_Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong—"_I'm coming!" Kurogane shouted, racing across the hall to swing the door open. God-damned impatient pizza boys couldn't even wait a few seconds.

He was expecting to find a snot nosed teenager with a pompous expression at least partially covered with pimples outside his door, holding the precious cheese pizza. (Syaoran had wanted pepperoni, Sakura had shyly suggested mushrooms, but cheese, it was decided after Tomoyo cheerfully suggested pineapple, anchovy, and bacon topped pizza, was also perfectly acceptable.)

"Hello," the guy that stood outside his door wore nothing but a tank top and a pair of bell bottom jeans that Kurogane was sure he'd picked out of the junior's department. Considering that this was the middle of December, Kurogane decided the man must either be an idiot or someone who was too poor to afford proper winter attire.

"Who are you?" Kurogane asked, crossing his arms menacingly, like a television villian. He was greatly tempted to slam the door in the strangers face as he was carrying no pizza, but he learned the hard way that sometimes it was a bad idea to piss off your neighbor. (Tomoyo had never forgotten the time he'd "accidentally" run over her latest outfit designs.)

"Hello, my name's Fai D. Flourite and I just moved in across the street." The neighbor flashed him a blinding, Kodak-esque smile and brushed a strand of longish blonde hair behind his ear.

_Idiot,_Kurogane decided, remembering his previous observation on the man's clothes. _He's definitely an idiot._

"What do you want?" Kurogane asked, but the stranger's focus shifted suddenly. It seemed like he was an OCD snow rabbit.

"Oooh! Is that your daughter? She's adorable. You look young for a father."

Before Kurogane could as much as blink, the thin stranger had darted into his living room and was accosting Sakura, who seemed trapped between bemusement, fright, and bashfulness.

"I'M NOT A FATHER!!!" He growled, stomping into his living room.

Fai gasped, supposedly astonished, before he grabbed Sakura with surprising strength for a man of his stature and stood her next to his growling neighbor.

"But you two look so much alike!" He clasped his hands in front of him and tilted his head to the side.

Kurogane and Sakura stared at each other and then immediately looked away. Kurogane had no idea how he and the small, thin girl were supposed to resemble each other, but he decided that it really didn't matter. He had an idiot running rampant in his living room and that was his immediate concern.

"Hyuu!!!" The idiot cheered as he was forcefully hoisted over Kurogane's shoulder. "My new neighbor is so strong! He can lift me so quickly, like it's nothing!"

Kurogane paused in his admittedly short trip to the door. "My name is Kurogane!" He shouted, before forcefully pulling the door open and throwing his new neighbor onto the frost covered lawn. Said neighbor yelped as if he weren't expecting such an outcome.

Kurogane closed the door with a slam and began to stomp his way back into the kitchen when the damned doorbell rung again. Certain that the idiot was trying to weasel his way back into the house, Kurogane lunged for the door and opened it quickly.

"WHAT?" He yelled. The short, pimply teenager cringed away, about to wet himself.

"Your pizza sir," he squeaked in a voice that was about two octaves too high for a boy his age. Kurogane slammed the proper amount of money into the boy's trembling, outstretched hand, ignoring the chuckles coming from the idiot sprawled out on his front lawn like some sort of retarded hobo. The idiot was on his back, propped up by his elbows with a smile so wide that Kurogane could count the idiot's teeth. He was about to close the door when the idiot's stomach growled.

"He seems like he's hungry," Tomoyo, who was peeking out from behind Kurogane, pouted up at Kurogane with wide eyes. Before, he would have been startled to realize a fourteen year old could sneak up on him, but experience told him that Tomoyo was crafty beyond her years.

Kurogane only sighed.

"Yay! Kuro-sama decided to let me into his lovely house!"

"What did you call me?" Kurogane yelled, but Fai had already darted past him into the living room and was currently examining the pizza he'd somehow managed to take from Kurogane's hands.

"Cheese?" He exclaimed, voice incredulous. "The only real pizza topping is pineapple, anchovy, and bacon."

Tomoyo's eyes lit up like she had just been given a Kurogane voodoo doll. Kurogane felt his stomach twist. Perhaps allowing the two to meet was not a good idea, especially not when they had his house so strategically surrounded.

…………

Surprisingly, after the first five minutes of dinner (which consisted of Kurogane chasing Fay around the kitchen with a broom and stirring up the previously settled ash) the meal went surprisingly well. Kurogane had managed to position himself between Tomoyo and Fai, thus cutting off any means of communications for the two, and the only distraction Kurogane had from his food was the occasional giggling from Tomoyo whenever Sakura and Syaoran brushed fingers while reaching for a slice of pizza (for such a tiny girl, Sakura sure could eat. She was already on her fifth slice of pizza while Kurogane was barely on his second. The idiot had only grabbed one piece, and was nibbling on it like some sort of psycho, pizza eating rabbit.)

"So, Mr. Flourite, what brings you here?" Sakura asked between bites, blinking cutely.

"Well, I have all these really big boxes—" the man paused and stretched his arms out as far as they would go, supposedly to explain the hugeness of the boxes, "and I need someone big and strong to help me move them." His eyes darted towards Kurogane who scowled and focused on his pizza. Like Hell was he helping that maniac move in next door to him. He would gladly help the idiot move _out _of his neighbor hood, but he wouldn't help the idiot move within a distance that made it easy for him to reach and therefore annoy Kurogane. Kurogane had been struck with the thought that perhaps his scrawny neighbor would give up and go back to wherever he came from if he couldn't unpack.

"Oh," Sakura paused thoughtfully. "I'm not very big or strong, but if I can help Mr. Flourite it will make me very happy."

Sakura blushed slightly, and Syaoran seemed unable to decide whether he should be gawking at the delicate color of her cheeks or glaring at Fai, who was suddenly smiling in a very maternal (wth? Kurogane thought) way. He seemed to settle on both, his gaze traveling so quickly from one to the other that Kurogane was sure the brat was making himself dizzy.

"I think I'd like that, Sakura," he told her. "And please, call me Fai. Mr. Flourite sounds so old and boring."

Sakura nodded, and Syaoran gulped. "I'll help too," he announced, smiling warmly at the idiot, though his toothy smile seemed a little more predatory than was absolutely necessary. After all, Kurogane thought, his eyes discreetly scanning his neighbor's lithe form, Fai didn't look like the type to go after little girls. Actually, Kurogane mentally scowled, glaring at the man's far too tight jeans, he didn't look like the type to go after any girls at all.

He paused when he noticed Fai's gaze focused on his shoulder. His face looked odd, like a mixture of smugness and pain and disbelief.

"Well, if Sakura and Syaoran are going, I should go as well," Tomoyo said, amusement lingering in her eyes as she fingered her ever present camcorder. Kurogane frowned. He could just imagine Syaoran trying to lift a box three times his size to try and impress Sakura and subsequently squashing them both while Tomoyo cried from behind her camcorder. That would be troublesome, not because he cared for the brats, but because he wanted to avoid any type of lawsuit that the kids' parents would throw at him.

"I'll come as well," Kurogane said, folding his arms across his chest.

The idiot dropped his half eaten piece of pizza and smiled chaotically, his eyes twinkling wickedly. "Yay, big, strong Kuro-tan is coming!"

"What did you call me?" Said Kuro-tan roared, once again unsettling the ash as he chased the idiot around the kitchen. All his angry mind could process was that tomorrow was not going to be a happy day if he had to put up with that idiocy all the time.

"Bye bye Kuro-rin! See you tomorrow!" The idiot called back as he fled through the front door to safety.

HE. WAS. SEEING. RED.

Kurogane cracked his knuckles, an evil smile that made Syaoran and Sakura retreat back to the kitchen. Then again, tomorrow might not be so bad. Kurogane might enjoy catching the damn idiot and beating some sense into him.


	2. Broken Rules

"Morning Kuro-tan!"

Kurogane groggily opened his eyes. There was a big yellow blob in front of him. It had a wide, sparkly smile and was waving what looked like Kurogane's spare house keys in front of his face. Weren't those supposed to be hidden under that ridiculously ugly potted plant Souma had gotten him last Christmas? The air around him smelled like Vanilla; it was pleasant, even if it was a bit girly. It was odd to find that in his house though, considering Kurogane never bought any scented products. A bit of hair, longer and softer and shinier than his own, tickled his face. He could feel a foreign warmth in front of him, and moist breath on his cheek.

Then he heard a small laugh.

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?!?"

Fay bounded away nimbly when Kurogane swung his heavy bedside lamp with the intention to kill (after all, the idiot had invaded his home; it was only self defense.) Determined to cause the man some permanent damage, Kurogane grabbed his alarm clock and chucked it at the moron, who did an impressive, matrix like twist to avoid getting hit by both the clock and the long wire. Secretly, Kurogane was rather impressed by the lanky man's speed and flexibility, but Hell would freeze over before he admitted to that.

"Wah! Kuro-wan's violent!" His neighbor complained, his back popping as he returned to a somewhat normal standing position. "I was just trying to warn Kuro-pi that the first place home invaders look for spare house keys is under potted plants!"

"Shut up!" Kurogane stormed, kicking off his blankets and rubbing his temples. He could feel a migraine encroaching upon his barely stable sanity. "And my name is Kurogane! Ku-ro-ga-ne!"

He stopped mid rant when he noticed the rather lewd expression on his neighbor's face and the scarlet blush that stained his pale cheeks. "Kuro-woofy sleeps naked," he said in an annoyingly singsong voice, his eyes focused on one area of Kurogane's body in particular.

What? How? Why did he not remember that when he got out of bed?

Eyes wide, Kurogane grabbed a sheet to hurriedly wrap around his waist while he glared daggers at his neighbor. His vision was narrowing, and red spots were clouding his vision. His free hand was clenching and unclenching violently, begging to be wrapped around that thin, pale neck.

All he would have to do is squeeze. There would be no blood stains, and he could stow the body in Tomoyo's vegetable garden, or bury them under a Sakura tree, but for some reason that latter option seemed a bit cliche.

"Don't worry, you have nothing to be ashamed of," his neighbor informed him, his index finger tapping against his cheek thoughtfully. "Everything's definitely…" He paused, a wicked grin marring his falsly cherubic features, "more than proportional."

RED. All around him. He was going to kill that bastard!

Fay laughed like a drugged hyena as he raced out of the room, his arms waving behind him limply. Kurogane slammed the door, locked it, and dragged a chair across the room to wedge underneath the door handle. The psychopath would not be joining him anytime soon.

Taking a few deep breaths, Kurogane tried to remember enough of his dad's lessons to calm himself. He took a deep, shaky breath in and held it. He exhaled. Slowly, his vision returned to normal. His hands unclenched. He was at peace with himself. The semi-permanent scowl on his face eased away into a perfectly calm expression. He was alone. He was relaxed.

"Kuro-chi! Don't forget that you promised to help me unpack!"

Kurogane started, his relaxation ruined. "I didn't promise anything," he muttered under his breath, heading towards his work clothes. Why, oh why was he surrounded by psychos?

…………

"Tomoyo, Fai, shouldn't we be helping Mr. Kurogane and Syaoran?" Sakura asked innocently from Fai's kitchen. The two young girls and the older blond were enjoying homemade muffins and hot chocolate that Fai had made from scratch while Syaoran and Kurogane moved ridiculously heavy boxes from the garage into Fai's house.

"You know," Kurogane grunted, dropping a particularly heavy box nearly on top of his idiot neighbor, forcing the man to scramble out of the way. "It makes sense to let the girls sit around, but what's your excuse?"

The blond raised a bandaged finger wearily, an expression of deepest regret etched into his face. "I was going to help, but this morning, while I was making the muffins, I burnt myself on the stove!"

Syaoran was lugging a box three times his size in through the garage, wobbling dangerously. His face was red from exertion. Sakura saw this and leapt to her feet, attempting to help her friend balance the heavy box. However, as she was a puny fourteen year old, her help didn't amount to much.

"HOW DOES THAT EXCUSE YOU FROM WORK?!?" Kurogane yelled. Fai only chuckled and backed away from the angry man with the scary red eyes.

"Um… Fai, Kurogane, do you think you could help us?" Sakura managed to squeak out from her half-crushed position under the box. Syaoran was valiantly trying to stop the box from collapsing on top of his childhood friend, but it was proving too heavy to deny.

"AND GIVE ME MY HOUSE KEY BACK YOU WORTHLESS BASTARD!" Kurogane's face was nearly as red as his eyes, which incidentally were narrowed into demonic slits.

"Um… Fai? Please? Help?"

"Ah, but Kuro-ran, if I do that I won't be able to get into your house if there's an emergency!" Fai dodged the fist Kurogane swung at him with expert reflexes.

"Sakura! Get out of the way! It's going to fall!"

"THAT'S NO EXCUSE—" _CRASH!_

Both Kurogane and Fai twisted around to face the loud noise coming from the entryway to the garage. Sakura was weakly pulling on Syaoran's arm. Said boy was collapsed underneath the large box, looking rather stunned. He gazed weakly up at the two adults and gave an apologetic smile. Blood was flowing down his face, originating from a wicked looking cut on his forehead.

"I'm sorry Fai," he said.

Fai smiled, brushing it off with a wave of his long-fingered hand. "It's ok Syaoran. All that was in there was my grandmother's 500 year old china set."

"WHAT?" Syaoran's eyes were so large they looked like they were going to pop out of his head.

"Just kidding Syaoran. You should really learn how to take a joke." Fai laughed, walking over to the children to help lift the box. Kurogane followed behind him, doubting such a skinny guy could lift anything without assistance.

Sitting calmly at the kitchen table, Tomoyo took another sip of her hot chocolate. It really was excellent: chocolaty with just a hint of cinnamon flavor. Tomoyo had never really tasted anything like it. She grinned. The muffins were just as marvelous; each one was a fluffy piece of heaven. Yes, Fai would make a wonderful neighbor.

…………

Kurogane wiped the sweat from his face as he painstakingly finished moving the furniture. The idiot and Tomoyo couldn't seem to decide exactly how the furniture should be arranged, so Kurogane had been organizing and re-organizing the room for over an hour.

His head involuntarily jerked to his left as his idiot sensor picked up on a familiar presence. Said idiot held out a bottle of beer for Kurogane, a goofy grin on his face.

"It's time to relax and drink!" The idiot took a long swig of his own beer, pressing the vile drink into Kurogane's hands.

"Fai, are you sure this is legal?" Syaoran was holding his half empty bottle apprehensively, as if it might jump up a bite him. With wide eyes Kurogane noted that Sakura's bottle was empty, and the girl swayed uncertainly on her feet. Tomoyo daintily took a sip from her own bottle, a cringe on her face.

Fai smiled in their direction. "Would I ever mislead you? Besides, everybody deserves to relax once in a while!"

Syaoran shrugged and took another gulp. Fai clapped.

Kurogane was beyond shock. He was beyond anger. "You. Gave. The. Brats. Alcohol."

The moron nodded, a cheerful smile on his face. "That's not illegal, is it?" He asked, face full of shining innocence.

"OF COURSE IT IS!" Kurogane screamed.

"Wow! Syaoran, you're so cool, juggling knives like that!" A rather giddy Sakura hicupped. Kurogane turned and ran towards the trouble like underdog towards a poodle in heat.

The brat was haphazardly throwing knives into the air, half of them landing by his feet while he miraculously managed to catch one by the handle in his outstretched hand. He looked fairly happy with Sakura's praise, a blush that wasn't entirely due to the alcohol staining his cheeks.

"Brat!" He yelled and pulled the kid away from a knife that was falling blade first for his head. It clattered to the floor.

"Oh look!" He heard Tomoyo giggle, "there's more alcohol in the fridge!"

Kurogane's head hurt. This was what the rules were set in place to prevent!

…………

"Kuro-sama's so cool!" His drunk neighbor was sprawled over him on the couch, arms in a vice like grip around Kurogane's neck. The kids were passed out in various areas of the kitchen and living room.

"Get off of me," Kurogane complained half-heartedly, tugging at the annoying man. He really should have given up a half hour ago. The man seemed to be stuck to him with super glue.

"Kuro-pyon's so strong! He has so many muscles!" Kurogane hopelessly pushed the man again.

"Kuro-tan's girlfriend must be soooo happy!" The idiot concluded, burying his face in Kurogane's shoulder.

"I'm single you idiot," Kurogane told the entity clinging to him. Fai was warm and bony. Kurogane could feel the his hip bones against his stomach, and the loose sweater he was wearing had slipped off one shoulder to display a well defined collar bone.

"Single," Kurogane definitely did not like the half hopeful, half mischievous look in his neighbor's eyes. Drunk people, he thought, should not look like that. The idiot slid upwards like a slug, and Kurogane could feel the idiot's heart racing. Those eyes came closer and closer until Kurogane thought they might swallow him, and he thought he might see something behind the foolish ice blue depths… Something like sadness hidden behind all the easy emotions.

Kurogane jerked away and tossed his neighbor onto the floor, his face red. He wiped his lips with his hand, glaring at the man on the floor who was laughing his head off, jerking to and fro like a robot after an electrical surge.

"The look on Kuro-chi's face!" He exclaimed. His laughter sounded weird and hollow like a the sounds made in an empty bottle of beer, and Kurogane walked over the idiot to the children. He slung Syaoran over one shoulder, frowning as he tried to decide how he was going to carry all the kids home.

His neighbor continued to laugh on the floor, rolling around like a cat with fleas.

He scooped Tomoyo up with his free arm, heading over to where Sakura was half collapsed on the kitchen table, a bottle of beer still in her hand.

"Mr. Kurogane," she said blearily, stumbling to her feet.

"We're going home kid," Kurogane told her. The girl slipped a hand through his belt loop to steady herself, and slowly the four of them headed back home. Kurogane left the door open, but he figured the idiot could close it himself, and if he didn't, it wasn't Kurogane's heating bill that would be screwed.

…………

The next day Kurogane woke the three hungover kids by drilling a new bold into the door. That morning he had gotten up at four thirty in the morning to head over to the local Hardware store (Duklyon's) where he'd picked up a new doorknob and a nice, sturdy bold made of solid iron. There was no way the idiot was getting into his house now.

Syaoran and Tomoyo stumbled down the stairs, green, sickly, and clutching their heads weakly. Tomoyo wore yesterday's outfit while Syaoran wore nothing more than a pair of navy blue boxers. Both of them were groaning and were so wrapped up in their own misery that they couldn't seem to walk in a straight line. Sakura, on the other hand, was bright and cheery, dressed in pink silk pajamas. She looked worriedly over at her two companions as she skipped merrily down the stairs.

"Kurogane," Tomoyo moaned with a surprising lack of polite composure, "could you please turn that drill off?"

Kurogane only grinned and surprisingly complied. Dusting off his pants, he stood and gave the bolt a good hard tug, satisfied when it stayed attached to the door. This was excellent. Checking to make sure the door was securely locked for the fifth time that morning, Kurogane allowed a satisfied grin to appear momentarily on his face before he turned to the brats.

Syaoran nearly passed out from the intensity of Kurogane's glare.

"You," he pointed at Syaoran, "are in charge of cleaning the kitchen and making breakfast."

"You," he turned to Tomoyo, "are cleaning all the bathrooms."

"And you," he turned to Sakura, "will do all the laundry in the house."

The three teenagers only hung their heads. Sakura blushed guiltily and hurried upstairs to collect the clothing while Syaoran ran to the kitchen. Tomoyo turned and, with a grimace on her face, headed for the bathroom. Kurogane stretched his aching muscles, trying to decide whether he should take a short trip to the gym, have a nice morning run, or plop down in front of the television to doze for a while.

Deciding that he could do all three while the brats cleaned his house, Kurogane sat down on his worn leather chair to catch the morning news.

None of them saw the idiot that day. Kurogane was completely happy... Still, he had a feeling the man would be back, and that things could only go downhill from there.


	3. Fashion Rules

Fai, Kurogane thought angrily as he saw his neighbor laughing with middle-aged women in the middle of the shopping isle, could be extremely chivalrous when he felt it was necessary. A salt and pepper haired woman with the beginnings of wrinkles on her faced giggled as the idiot complemented her hair style. Another lady patted the foolish man on the head after he reached up to grab the last box of her favorite cereal, hidden all the way on the top shelf.

"Oh Fai, you make me feel young again!" One of Kurogane's neighbors, an old, matronly neighbor with smile lines and crow's feet giggled, clasping her hands in front of her chest. She completely ignored the fact that Kurogane was standing behind her with a loaded shopping cart, trying to make his way out of the crowded grocery in one piece.

Apparently, to everyone except Kurogane, Fai was the perfect neighbor. He walked little old ladies across the street, and just that morning he'd climbed up a tree to save a girl's cat. It seemed like only Kurogane could see through the friendly façade to the drunken idiot that lingered underneath.

He knew he should have sent Tomoyo and Sakura shopping. All over the store he could hear squeals and Fai's miserably girly comments in return. And the man was wearing a huge, fluffy, white abomination that Kurogane felt was an insult to coats. It looked like the sort of thing a girl in elementary school should wear, not a full grown man.

"Move," Kurogane growled, his voice low and venomous, like a snake. Upon hearing his voice, Fai whipped around so quickly that Kurogane was surprised (and extremely disappointed) that he didn't give himself whiplash.

"Kuro-rin!

Kurogane groaned. Apparently, hoping his idiotic neighbor had forgotten him after Saturday's escapade was a futile delusion.

Kurogane vaguely noticed that Fai's cart was filled to the brim with nothing but various types of liquor and processed junk that probably should never enter the human body, but he couldn't say he was surprised. Though Fai was thin, there was something not quite right about the man's appearance. Maybe it was the way his skin seemed far too pale to be natural or the fact that, if Kurogane saw his face at the right angle he could just make out the beginnings of dark circles underneath the other man's eyes. Whatever the case was, his neighbor definitely wasn't the prime example of a healthy, completely functional person.

"It's such a surprise to see you here!" Fai's smile was ear to ear, and Kurogane thought that perhaps his neighbor should hang a sign around his scrawny neck to warn others about the glare.

Like a crowd of peasants before their king, the middle aged women hurried out of Fai's (and Kurogane's, since the blond had a death grip on his arm) way, scooting to the sides to form a neat aisle. Kurogane was surprised they didn't rush to the furniture section in search of a rug to roll under Fai's feet.

"Oi! Let go of me!" Kurogane struggled, trying to steer his shopping cart and shake his determined neighbor off at the same time. It proved hopeless, as Kurogane was a stereotypical man, and stereotypical men are hopeless at multitasking, especially when one of their tasks is getting rid of a tall, thin, and sexy as hell blue-eyed blond.

Kurogane twitched slightly as Fai pressed himself more closely to Kurogane to pass through a narrow part of the shopping aisle. The sweater he wore under his jacket was deceptively thin and slightly too short, so the idiot's smooth, flat stomach was touching the back of his fingers.

Kurogane growled. Fai smiled.

The line to get out of the shopping center was far too long to appease Kurogane's sanity, and it didn't help that each women talked to the cashier (a smiling boy of around sixteen with the greenest eyes Kurogane had ever seen and a calm smile) as if the boy were her own son.

"Oh, Subaru! How's school going?"

"Subaru? You look adorable! Where did you manage to find those jeans?"

"Subaru! You're so charming!"

"How's your boyfriend doing Subaru?"

Finally, it was Fai's turn. He cheerfully set his crap on the conveyor belt and pushed his shopping cart down to the end. Surprisingly, he barely met Subaru's eyes; in fact, besides a small smile, he said absolutely nothing to the teenager. The idiot's eyes roamed over the floor, as if the chipped tile was the most amazing thing in the world.

Subaru's voice was flat when he announced the bill. Fai wordlessly scanned his card. Subaru's hands shook as he handed Fai the receipt. Their fingers brushed. Fai nearly jumped.

Curiously, Kurogane narrowed his eyes.

…………

Kurogane twitched. He should have known nothing good could come of having Fai as their neighbor.

"And she said 'Chii is so glad Fai-san saved my cat that Chii wants to give Fai-san and his friends this!'"

Sakura explained, holding up tickets to one of the most sought after ballets in the town. Kurogane twitched. Of course, the cat Fai had rescued from the tree that morning just had to belong to a girl with too much money to spend and not enough sense.

Fai smiled, and, clinging to Kurogane's arm like a drunken octopus, he cheerfully invited all of them to come along with him.

Kurogane knew he should have said no. He was planning on saying no. Then he saw Tomoyo's sparkling eyes, Sakura's pout, and Syaoran's averted yet hopeful gaze, and he made the biggest mistake of his life.

"Che, as long as there's no alcohol!"

And then he tried to pretend he wasn't blushing when Fai latched onto his waist and nuzzled his shoulder.

…………

Kurogane spent the rest of the day appeasing Tomoyo's artistic side by staying still while she took everybody's measurements (except Sakura, a lifelong crush had guaranteed Tomoyo her measurements.)

"Why are you doing this again?" Kurogane asked skeptically as the young brunette stood on a stool in order to measure the width of his biceps.

"Kurogane-san," Tomoyo marked down her measurements and hopped of the stool, "this ballet is one of the best shows in town! We have to dress accordingly. And besides, Kurogane is so masculine; Fai-san is built like a catwalk model; Syaoran-kun just screams 'magazine cover,' and," Tomoyo's eyes sparkled as she clasped her hands together in front of her face, "Sakura-chan is just too adorable!"

Kurogane merely grunted. He had learned a long time ago that sometimes that was the best response around Tomoyo.

"But there's so much work to be done and the show is tomorrow," Sakura reminded her from across the room where she was taking a beat red Syaoran's measurements.

Tomoyo smiled. The smile stilled both Kurogane and Sakura, the only two in the room who had known the teenage designer for long enough to truly fear her. The smile promised danger. The smile promised humiliation, and, more importantly, the smile promised yards of sequined fabric and designer shoes. Kurogane gulped. Sakura shivered. Still smiling, Tomoyo walked over to the telephone and dialed a number she apparently knew by heart.

"Oh hello Sumeragi-san, may I speak to your sister?"

After a conversation that wiped the smile off of even Fai's face, a few rather menacing ohohohohohos, and a car trip filled with absolute silence, the group arrived in front of what appeared to be an innocent fabric shop. "Hokuto's Fabulous Fabrics for Every Occasion!" was displayed tastefully in green.

Kurogane gripped the steering wheel so tightly his knuckled turned white. Unaware of the danger, Fai stepped out of the car first, hopping towards the shop. Sakura watched him with wide eyes, he hand held off as if to stop him. Syaoran only shook his head and looked away.

Then there was a black and green blur as Hokuto sprinted out of the shop and tackled the tall blond, groping him in every conceivable way. Through the windshield, Kurogane could just hear Fai's nervous laugh along with an insane sounding "ohohohoho."

"Oh! Tomoyo-chan wasn't exaggerating! You have the perfect figure! I have just the outfit for you!"

Fai looked far too happy to be marched inside by the insane woman. Inside the car, Syaoran gripped the car door so tightly Kurogane heard something pop. He was what as snow. Sakura looked slightly intimidated as well, but there was a slight excitement in her eyes as she surreptitiously scanned Syaoran's figure and blushed.

Tomoyo smiled, her camcorder out and ready to catch the tooth-rotting, hyper-activity inducing display of affection between the two shy teens.

Squeezing past Syaoran, she pulled the door open. "It is time to go inside Sakura-chan, Syaoran-kun, _Kurogane."_

Kurogane regrettably opened the car door and led the way.

…………

Kurogane shoved the door to the shop or horrors open and froze. Fai stood directly in front of him, a sinister expression on his face as he pulled his shirt over his head oh-so-slowly like some sort of strip tease at a dark, dank club. He turned his head away because he was not some sort of filthy pervert who took advantage of delirious blonds who drank too much and climbed up trees to save kittens and charmed the middle aged ladies at the grocery store.

"Whaa, is Kuro-tan shy?" Fai asked, wiggling his hips in a way Kurogane presumed Fai felt was attractive, but that Kurogane thought made him look like a fish gasping for water on the deck of a boat. His jeans slipped a little on his hips, and Kurogane cringed as he realized his neighbor wore boxers with insane smiley faces on them. They looked suspiciously like the ones Tomoyo bought him for his birthday that year, but Kurogane was a hundred percent sure the thin, giraffe like man couldn't fit into his boxers. Knowing Fai, he and Tomoyo probably shopped at the same store, probably called "how to torture sane, law-abiding citizens with unlimited insanity."

"No, I'm not shy; you just don't have anything I want to see," Kurogane responded smugly. Like hell if that idiot was going to win all their arguments.

"Wah, that wasn't nice Kuro-sama! And here I was trying so hard to give you a good show!"

The man slumped over on his stool, and Hokuto glared at him. "Really Kurogane-san, you should show your neighbor more respect!" She lectured while holding up a swath of dark blue fabric to Fai's skin.

"Yes, this is the perfect color!" She jotted something down on the pink, sparkly notebook she held in her hand and skipped psychotically towards Kurogane.

"Tomoyo-chan, I trust you can handle Sakura and Syaoran!"

Tomoyo, who Kurogane had forgotten was standing right behind him, nodded, unaffected by Fai's state of undress. Kurogane figured that much made sense, considering her attraction to Fai could be compared to her attraction to teddy bears. She liked to look and cuddle, but couldn't really imagine any more than that without gagging.

Sakura, on the other hand, was beat red, and she couldn't seem to remove her eyes from Fai's partially revealed torso or the smooth, flat stomach, or the pronounced hip bones that just peeked out over…

Kurogane averted his eyes, focusing instead on the store itself. It was built like a warehouse, with a cash register at the front of the store, and all sorts of foreign technology that probably dedicated itself to the torture called fashion. Scissors, buttons, shoelaces, jewels, bits of metal, and any other sort of clothing accessory imaginable sat near the front of the store in neatly arranged and labeled plastic boxes. The rest of the store was filled with huge rolls of fabric; Kurogane had never seen so much of the stuff in his life. It was in every color and pattern imaginable.

Between the aisles manikins displayed various odd dresses that displayed the fabric, and near the back of the store there was a door that Kurogane thought must lead to an office of some soft.

"Ohohohohoho! This color would match your eyes perfectly!" Lost in his terrified reverie, Kurogane hadn't noticed the crazy woman until she was standing right in front of him, holding a sample of red silk up to his eyes.

He had a feeling it was going to be an extremely long day.

…………

It was almost time to leave for the show when Kurogane finally pulled on Hokuto's finished product. The previous day had been tedious, filled with complaints screams, one small fire, and more than a few needled stabbed into Kurogane's side when he shifted. Gazing perfunctorily at the mirror in his 'fitting room'—an area in the back office sectioned off with curtains, even Kurogane, the man whose entire closet consisted of nothing but black t-shirts, hoodies, and jeans had to admit Hokuto had done a nice job.

The outfit was simple and clean cut, totally the opposite of what Kurogane had expected. His double-breasted black jacket partially hid the collared red, satin shirt Hokuto had stitched together for him with maddening speed (honestly, the woman worked like there was no tomorrow.) He wore black pants that were just formal enough to pass but just comfortable enough for Kurogane to wear them. They weren't especially loose, but they didn't cling to his legs, which was an added bonus.

Pulling his curtain aside, Kurogane joined the others, rolling his eyes as he watched Tomoyo capture footage of her two best friends shyly stealing glances at each other.

Sakura was dressed in a long pink dress that had a silvery sparkle to it. A white shawl hung over her shoulders, a perfect match to the elbow length white gloves she wore.

Syaoran nervously tugged on the green tie that lay over his white shirt and under his sports jacket. Kurogane wryly noted that the green of the tie matched Sakura's eyes perfectly, and he had a feeling that was why Syaoran was so nervous.

Then the final curtain pulled away, revealing the one person that Kurogane definitely did not want to see.

Fai wore long, navy blue pinstriped pants that clung to his thin legs the way he clung to Kurogane. He wore a long sleeved white collared shirt covered by a suit-vest made from the same material as his pants. A twenty's style, short brimmed hat that hung crookedly on his head cast just enough of a shadow over his eyes to bring out their ridiculously bright color. Fai's belt was simple and nondescript, except for the belt buckle which resembled a cat and matched the band that wound around Fai's hat. A thick, light blue tie finished the look.

Kurogane met his neighbor's mischievous eyes. Hokuto had done for Fai what Kurogane had previously thought was impossible. She'd changed him from a teenage girl look alike to a man, albeit, a terribly skinny one. His hair was even brushed and neat (though Kurogane would bet his house that it took a hell of a lot of hair spray to keep it that way.)

Hokuto looked from Fai to Kurogane before falling straight into Tomoyo's lace clad arms, a huge smile on her face. "Poor Hokuto's been sewing for almost twenty four hours straight," the young designer smiled. "She needs a rest."

It wasn't until they were in Kurogane's car, with Kurogane desperately attempting to ignore Fai's wandering eyes and keep his own eyes on the road that he thought to ask what should have been an obvious question.

"Oi! How're we supposed to pay for this?"

Tomoyo, who was adjusting her wide-brimmed black hat, merely smiled and laughed. "ohohohoho! Do not fret; Hokuto-chan has already figured something out for us."

Kurogane blamed that mysterious statement on the fact that Fai had to jerk the steering wheel from his hands to stop Kurogane from driving them off a bridge.

Their hands brushed. Luckily, Kurogane was not Fai and Fai was not Sakura, so neither of them wasted time blushing and avoiding each other's gaze and wondering what more of the other's skin felt like. And because neither of them was so distracted, they both noticed the semi heading straight for them in time for Kurogane to jerk them, undamaged, back into their own lane.

However, that focus didn't stop Fai's head from falling into Kurogane's lap at the sudden, forceful, turn.

And it didn't stop Tomoyo from snapping a picture.

And it didn't stop Kurogane from cursing so badly that even Fai seemed surprised by the combination of certain words that spilled from the muscular man's mouth.

Fai only exacerbated the situation when he said, "Oh, I should try that sometime," in response to one of Kurogane's more _creative _suggestions.

So, when they finally made it to the theatre house in one piece, it made sense that four people threw the doors open and got out as quickly as humanly possible on shaky legs. What didn't make sense was the fact that Sakura was still sitting in the back seat, as sound asleep as when she entered the car. Syaoran chuckled at Fai and Kurogane's disbelieving stares.

"I guess she's just a heavy sleeper," he suggested, his voice filled with affection.

Kurogane snorted. "Are you sure she's not dead?"

And then the panic started all over again.

…………

They were seated in the front seats of the center balcony, much to Tomoyo's excited disbelief. The girl reached into her small black purse (it matched her lacy black dress perfectly, Kurogane noted with a roll of his eyes) and pulled out a pair of those ridiculously ornate, miniature binoculars people sometimes bought to watch this type of thing.

"Fai-san!" A voice, cheery and light, was the only warning the group had before a bundle of white launched itself into Fai's arms. Fai toppled backwards, one hand on Chii and the other on his hat. It was only Kurogane's hand on the man's waist that kept him from toppling over the balcony and to his demise.

"Chii," Fai untangled himself from the enthusiastic young woman and placed a hand on Kurogane's chest. Kurogane growled but didn't push him off immediately. The poor man looked like he was still recovering his balance.

"Chii is so happy! There are so many special guests in Chii's theatre tonight!" Sakura smiled.

"Chii's theatre? Wow! It's amazing someone as young as you could own a place like this!"

Chii smiled happily. "Chii's boyfriend Hideki won the lottery, and he bought part of the theatre for Chii. It is co-owned with Ashura, but Ashura couldn't be here today, so it's just Chii and Hideki and Chii's guests!"

Chii and Sakura rambled on, but Kurogane's attention shifted away when he felt a hand tightening on his shirt. Seeing Fai's face was difficult at his angle, because the shorter man's hat blocked out any of his recognizable features, and Kurogane had to strain his neck to look down anyway, but if his face were anywhere near as tense as his hand, then he was definitely troubled.

"Sorry to interrupt such a lovely conversation between two such lovely girls," Chii beamed. Sakura blushed. "But I really have to go to the restroom, and Kuro-pyon was too mean to stop on the way!"

"There was nothing like that!" Kurogane insisted, but Fai waved it off with a limp-wristed gesture.

"So does Chii know where the nearest restroom is?"

Chii nodded. "It is at the end of the hall, on the right, but make sure to hurry. If Fai-san doesn't come back by the beginning of the show the doors will lock, and then Fai-san won't be able to get in until after the first part.

Fai nodded with a smile and left. Kurogane plopped into his seat next to Tomoyo. Sakura and Syaoran, he noticed, were sitting a bit too close, so he sent a quick glare in Syaoran's direction to settle any ideas the boy might have.

"You know, it's getting awfully close to show time," Tomoyo smiled, tapping her delicate wrist watch. "Maybe someone should go find Fai-san?" Her eyes twinkled.

Kurogane grunted.

Tomoyo's smile grew.

Without so much as a grunt in her direction, Kurogane followed Chii's instructions in order to go find his idiot neighbor.


End file.
